Would You Like Fries With That? #586

Would You Like Fries With That? - For over 9 years, the revolutionary force in online entertainment!

(Warning: Your face is a warning.)

"Sing me a song, you're a singer. Do me one wrong, you're a bringer of evil. The devil is never a maker. The less that you give, you're a taker. So it's on and on and on, it's heaven and hell!" - "Heaven and Hell" by Black Sabbath

Okay everyone, welcome to Would You Like Fries With That? This is the first edition written by me as a MARRIED MAN. Ooohh... married man! WOOOWWW! Okay, I'm done being creepy.

Here is today's random jokes/puns/rants/musings/etc...

HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY: Some say the glass is half empty. Some say the glass is half full. I say the glass is a fucking asshole for not being completely full or empty to begin with.

MARRIAGE ADVICE: Well, now that I am a married guy, people are already asking me stuff, as if I am qualified person to do so.

So, I looked at everything I know about marriage and this is what I got...

- She doesn't look fat in those clothes.
- Communication is one of the key points to a successful marriage
- In case of fire, use stairs
- Yield to pedestrians

That's all I got to offer to you all...

SPEED LIMITS: I've received 2 speeding tickets in the past 6 months. It might have something to do with how I feel about speed limits.

People say "You have to obey the speed limit!"

I say "That speed limit is merely a suggestion!"

Damn right it is!

BABIES ARE ROCK STARS: See, it is my personal belief that babies are like rock stars. They are up all hours at night. They sleep during the day whenever they feel like it. They cry until they get to suck on some titties. They are the main attraction of every large get together, and people clean up their shit.

However, as they get older, the less attention they get. They may try to make a comeback when they are teenagers, but its on a different level and only with a niche audience.

Yeah, if you can find a better comparison to a rock star, I'd like to hear it.

SCREAMING INTO PILLOWS: Let me tell you all... screaming into a pillow... NOT WORTH THE HYPE. It is not that big of a stress reliever. So if you get the idea to scream into a pillow, my personal suggestion is to move forward onto other classic stress relievers such as beating the shit out of someone.

A REVELATION AND A HALF: So Flare and I got in a conversation about how people can make fun of our names. Many people think it is cute to call me Dick, with my name being Richard and all. I used to get mad. Now, if they don’t heed my warnings (they will ALWAYS try once)... I throw a ceremony in their honor and go really over the top to really embarrass the shit out of them including a certificate that they can hang on their wall.

Flare's like “Well... at least your initials aren’t BJ.”

I said “Yeah, I guess I’m only half of that equation.”

Then it hit me…if Bobby and I were ever to become a tag team in pro-wrestling…I came up with a perfect name!

“Coming down the aisle. At a combined weight of 440 pounds. BJ and Dick….THE BLOW HARDS!”

MARRIAGE & FARTS: Is it just me, or is it the second you get married, your farts become about 80x funnier, especially the ones that make your wife hide her head under a blanket screaming for mercy.

The painkiller! The innovator. The master mind. The revolution. Mister RJ45 himself. He is...

Richie "RJ45" Jackson!

P.S. Would You Like Fries With That?