Work Stories: My Top 5 Tech Support Calls

I work at the same call center that RJ45 To quote him on this job:

"If there is one thing I can take away from this place...it is simply this:

People fall under 6 categories

1. Ignorant
2. Fucking Stupid
3. Really Fucking Stupid
4. Jackass/Bitch/Asshole/Cunt/Douche' Bag/Jerkoff/Dickhead/Prick/Etc.
5. Fucking Crazy
6. The Few, the Proud, the None of the Above

What job is that exactly? I do technical support for a Cable ISP. In other words, I'm the douche' that tells you to unplug your modem and restart your computer. However, the majority of us are more technical savvy than your local "Geek Squad Agent" will lead you to believe."

So, I am here with some more work stories for you. What inspired me to write this?

My last call of the day was some woman with a horrific sob story she must have spent hours making up. She got shut off because her house burned down and her mail couldn't be delivered because the mail box was on the side of the house and blah blah blah. Whatever, not my problem. You know how much you pay a month, you know where the local office is, do something about it.

Anyway, she got me thinking about the worst (or best) sob stories I've ever heard. Here are the top 5!

5: The Cat and the... Dog and then.. um...

Guy calls in, his modem is in pieces. Fine, I'll get you to customer service, they'll give you a new one. He asks how much it costs, I said I don't know. He asks if he'd have to pay for it and I answer probably.

Guy: Well see my cat likes to play with the cables and my dog got in the house and was like trying to get to the cat who was behind the tv because it likes to play with the cables. Then like... something happened and the box fell? But it like wasn't my fault, because I wasn't home and my room mate told me what happened so it wasn't really my fault and uh..."

4: My two year old daughter likes porn!

Woman has $400 cable bill. $200 and some odd dollars of that is due to porn. She wants to know if I can take it off her bill. I tell her that I can't and am about to launch into the whole transfer spiel when she comes up with a gem of an excuse.
Woman: See I have a two year old and she got hold of the remote. You know kids they just hit buttons and I guess she went to the On Demand screen. Some how she must have went into the adult movies and just started ordering! I really had no idea what was happening.

Me: Ma'am all the movies were ordered past 10pm, and watched all the way through.

Some of them are two hours long! You didn't know what your two year old was doing up past 10pm watching two hours worth of porn?

Woman: Well I can't watch her all the time! *hangs up*

3: Did I say stolen? I mean more like borrowed!

Girl: My internet isn't working.
Me: *Looks at account* You don't pay for internet.
Girl: I know, um my uncle he hooked us up, he works for you guys.
Me: Oh, really? What's his name?
Girl: Um... Tom. So like can you fix it?
Me: I, unlike your Uncle Tom will not help you steal internet.
Girl: It's not stealing, we're just borrowing it until we can afford it. Like I'm in school and I need it for home work!
Me: I suggest you find the library.
Girl: Come on I just want it for like another week!
Me: No.
Girl: But I'll have to drop out and get a job!
Me: Because you can't hand in a paper?
Girl: ... OK maybe not. Look please? It's not stealing, it's borrowing!

2: I'm pregnant and my husband is in Iraq!

Woman calls up SOBBING. Her phone isn't working, it hasn't been working and she needs it. Today. Why? She is 8.5 months pregnant and her husband is in Iraq fighting because Bush likes to see people blow shit up for the good of his country.
We send a tech, he fixes the phone, but he notices the notes on the job that says she's pregnant and married. Tech calls back in. Woman is neither pregnant nor married, and in fact hit on him while he was there!

1: Fire, limbs, and no cable, oh my!

Man calls in DEMANDING HIS INTERNET NOW OMG! He's in an outage. In fact he's in an outage because there is an ice storm that has rolled through his town knocking down power lines and trees. Many people are without power, he's just without internet.

Man: But I need my internet, it's the only way I can talk to my family.
Me: Sir, there is no power! We are not the power company, we can't control that!
Man: You don't understand.
Me: OK please explain.
Man: I'm a paraplegic, I lost both my legs and one arm in a fire! My family is worried about me.
Me: There is no family there with you?
Man: No I live alone! My grand kids will be worried. Plus I need medication for my skin!
Me: Perhaps you should use your cellphone to call your family?
Man: *long silence* Talking hurts my arm!