I have moved 16 times in my 24 year long life.

That isn't a typo at all. I have moved 16 times... some of them for good, some of them for worse.

Sunday March the 2nd, I was going to have quite possibly the best move in my life. I was moving in with my fiance of 5 years, Katie. We are getting married in May and decided it would be best to get a start on our life together.

From my horrible moving experiences, I have learned what to and what not to do. First of all, get a moving van if you can. Trust me, "Just use multiple trips with pick-up trucks" sounds like a good idea, but it will take forever and is not nearly as efficient.

The next BIG thing that I have learned is that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY PEOPLE HELPING. The more people you have, the faster it gets done. Why? Well, aside from the obvious, people get more motivated. In fact, that morning we started off with just 4 people, 1 healthy guy, 1 guy with a bad back, and 2 women moving for about an hour and the mood was low. Once THREE MORE PEOPLE jumped into that equation, the whole spirit of the place picked up and we were out of our first destination (Katie's house) within 15 minutes.

So, I got in the U-Haul and we went to our next destination, my father-in-law's storage unit to pick up a kitchen table, chairs, and a few other items. The spirits there were great. Everyone was laughing. It was a good time, and we were out of there in a few minutes.

As I was backing my Uhaul out, this older gentleman approaches me. He was in this truck labeled, "Lee's Pest Control."

He asked me what I was doing there. I told him, "moving a kitchen table and some chairs out of a storage shed."

He replied, "And you got a U-Haul just for that?"

I replied, "Well, we are going to lots of places to get stuff."

He questioned me some more and I finally said, "Listen, I really gotta go. Can I go?" and he said yes.

We then unloaded stuff at our brand new apartment. It only took around 30 minutes because, we had this pipeline going on. Someone would be in the truck. Grab a box. Hand it off to me, then I handed it off to Katie, who gave it to someone to find a spot for it. It was flipping AWESOME.

So, our next stop on our World Tour of Central Illinois was a little town called Dunlap to get a couch and love seat. WYLFWT.com Team Members The Pick (Kalaab) and SpicyMan (Justin) joined me in the truck, while FlareHolyMeteo (Bobby), Katie, and her sister Michelle went in a vehicle.

When I was on "North Allen Road," I saw one cop car. I didn't think much about it. I saw another. Then I saw a cop in the middle of the road directing traffic... and he directed me to a residential road. I didn't think much of it, so I turned.

I heard some police sirens and I saw close to 3 cop cars with their lights on. I pulled over. I asked myself, "Did I use my turn signal when I turned? Really... that can't be fair."

However, more cop cars and police officers kept showing up. What the hell? This obviously wasn't over some damn turn signal. It was the Peoria County Police!

I called Katie to let her know. "Hey, I got pulled over and it looks pretty serious at the moment."

The Pick, SpicyMan, and I sat there wondering what was going on; The Pick gave me the best advice anyone could have in this situation:

"Stay cool. Remember, we haven't even done anything."

Of course, SpicyMan lent his opinion after looking in one of the mirrors.

"Hey, that female police officer... she is HOT!."

I thought, "DUDE! Perhaps maybe you can think with that head another time?"

I then heard, "Driver, show me your hands!"

I've seen enough episodes of COPS to know what NOT to do. Let me tell ya... its all about the hands!

I got out of the car with my hands in the hair and then I backed towards them slowly, until they stopped me. They then handcuffed me. Let me tell ya, handcuffs aren't really all that forgiving. In fact, that's an understatement. They did the same SpicyMan and The Pick. They even had them get on their knees, too. Let me tell you, I think the vision of The Pick being brought to his knees is burned in my memories forever.

After we were all handcuffed, about 3 cops began slowly opening up the U-Haul with their guns drawn.

Pick said, "There's nothing in there!"

Spice said, "There's nothing in there!"

Then they opened up the U-Haul and they pointed their guns ala the movies expecting to see something.

One cop shouted, "There's nothing in there!"

No fucking shit!

Eventually, one office finally began questioning me about what I was doing at the storage shed. I never caught his name so I will call him Sgt. Shithead just for the sake of naming him.

Sgt. Shithead: What were you doing at this storage shed.
RJ45: We were picking up some things for the apartment my fiance and I were moving to.
Sgt. Shithead: What were those things?
RJ45: A kitchen table
Sgt. Shithead: Were there chairs?
RJ45: Yes...
Sgt. Shithead: Okay, first your story is that you were getting a kitchen table! Now your story is that you were getting a kitchen table AND chairs. You keep changing the story on me.

Oookkkaay... yeah, you know, because who picks up a kitchen table and chairs together? THAT'S JUST CRAZY TALK!

Meanwhile, they walked over to The Pick to ask him some questions. This is the highlight of their wonderful conversation...

Sgt. Shithead: What items were you getting?
The Pick: A kitchen table and some chairs.
Sgt. Shithead: Could you describe them for me?
The Pick: Well, they had a wooden top with green legs.
Sgt. Shithead: GREEN?!?!?!?
The Pick: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't paint them!

Next, they went over SpicyMan. Now, Spice wasn't with us at the storage shed. He joined us at unloading the apartment.

Now, Spicy's real name is Justin Franks. However, he works at an automechanic shop and the older people there think its funny to call him Justin Case (Just-in-Case). Spice figures, "Hey, they're older people. It makes them happy. Whatever."

However, they also put "Case" underneath his name Justin, and he was wearing his work shirt. This was the highlight of Sgt. Shithead and SpicyMan's conversation...

Sgt. Shithead: Okay, your ID says Justin Franks. However, your name tag says Justin Case. Which one is it?!
SpicyMan: Justin Franks.
Sgt. Shithead: So what is Justin Case, some sort of CLEVER nickname?
SpicyMan: .... ... ... Yes.

Of course, after that, I overheard this conversation:

Some Random Cop: I checked them all. No criminal history. A few previous minor traffic violations here and there. No warrants. They are all clean.
Sgt. Shithead: I need you to check under Justin Case. If you can't find it, I need it on his record.

It didn't really occur to me at the time what the hell they were talking about, but after The Spice explained to me I finally realized exactly what just happened:

Name: Justin Franks
Known Alias: Justin Case
Reports indicate that when people need something done, they can always call him... JUST IN CASE.

Not quite Tater Salad, but still pretty damn ridiculous.

They then tried to get a hold of my father-in-law. Of course, Murphy's Law being what it is, he's not answering the fucking phone. They tried to call Katie but she didn't have her phone. The officer then took my cell phone because we both figured, "Maybe they don't recognize the name on Caller ID so they will answer to my number."

He looked at my phone and sees 8 missed calls. He then looked at my contacts and we have this FUCKING RETARDED CONVERSATION:

Sgt. Shithead: Okay, in your contacts, you have to explain something to me. You have to tell me what is the difference between Katie and Katie's Cell?
RJ45: ... ... ...

DUH!!!!

He called Katie's cell and got her voice mail. It used to be her mother's cell phone before she passed away and she hasn't brought herself to change it yet.

Sgt. Shithead: Who is GERI?
RJ45: That's her mother. She passed away from cancer 4 years ago. That's her last memory of her.
Sgt. Shithead: Oh.... ....... ... wow, you guys have some bad luck.
(RJ45 bit his tongue because it was close to being "ON")

FINALLY... I looked down the road and saw Katie jogging along with my brother, FlareHolyMeteo, doing his bad ass walk behind her.

I screamed, "OH THANK GOD!"

She then set the police officer straight. They had this conversation.

Sgt. Shithead: What was the number of the storage unit.
Katie: 18
Sgt. Shithead: It couldn't be, they only have single digits there!
Katie: No they don't. It's 18!

Boo yeah! Go Katie! Go Katie! Set his fucking dumbass straight!

The cop came up to me and said, "You got yourself a good woman there. She saved your butt."

You know, I had to really put my impulse control and tongue biting skills to the extreme because I came close to saying, "Yeah, and you would have arrested an innocent man. That would have been on your conscience for the rest of your life."

However, I then broke down into tears in The Pick and Katie's arms screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

FlareHolyMeteo was so pissed that I had to make him take a walk to blow off some steam, because if it was physically possible, said steam would have actually came out of his ears. SpicyMan handled it okay, but was more confused than anything else.

That's not the half of it.

The guy at the storage shed, Leroy Earp, is also apparently the OWNER of Lee's Pest Control and the owner of that storage shed.

He apparently was at the scene. Meaning...HE FOLLOWED US for at least an hour.

Apparently, we worked too quickly at the storage shed.

Yeah, because I steal shit in broad daylight in a rented U-Haul that is easily traceable. Because who goes to storage sheds on the first weekend of the month to move stuff into a moving truck? THAT'S JUST WAY TOO SUSPICIOUS!

This man never identified himself to me at the storage shed. To me, he was some random creepy guy. Even if he identified himself as the owner, why am I supposed to believe him?

I mean, really, what the fuck, dude? And why didn't you call the owner (aka my father-in-law) before you decided it was okay to stalk us and be a vigilante? I have a real fucking problem with that. We didn't break any laws. You broke several, and we were the ones with guns drawn at us and in handcuffs! We were the ones who had our lives examined and ridiculed over the dumbest details. Hell, one of us wasn't even at the storage shed, and now he has an actual known alias with the police!

What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

If you agree with me, I encourage you to contact the parties involved. No, I don't expect a big internet campaign or for anyone to do this, I am just providing information for the few might be outraged.

Lee's Pest Control
Phone: 309-657-9191
Alternate Phone: (309) 657-3772
Website: http://www.lpcinc.net/
Known Email Contact: info@lpcinc.net

Peoria County Police Department
301 N. Maxwell Road
Peoria, IL 61604 U.S.A.
Phone: 309-672-6011
Website: http://www.peoriacounty.org/sheriff/
Known Email Contact: jneedham@co.peoria.il.us (Chief Deputy Joseph Needham)

LOCAL NEWSPAPER: Peoria Journal Star
WEBSITE: Peoria Journal Star Contacts
COLUMNIST: Phil Luciano Columnist (My Personal Favorite)
PJStar YOUPage
SNAILMAIL: Peoria Journal Star
1 News Plaza
Peoria, IL. U.S.A. 61643
CONTACT NUMBER: 309-686-3000

Looking back, it is funny to look at how the COPS behaved. It seemed like a scene ripped out of a National Lampoon or Mel Brooks film. Here you had three normal guys. One of them wearing a cross around his neck with a Superman shirt (me). One of them is a practicing Buddhist (The Pick). The other just a normal everyday nice guy, (SpicyMan aka Justin Case).

Meanwhile, while what was surely almost the entire Peoria County Police department was wasting their time NOT finding anything wrong with us, I am sure someone somewhere in that area, committed an actual crime.

UPDATE APRIL 18, 2008

Apparently, Lee's Pest Control's website is now GONE. It is replaced by their webhost's default page. Whether it is because of your guys's amazing support with all of the calls & emails or because it was a business decision, I don't know. But, I thought you would all find it interesting. Thank you very much to everyone for your comments and your support! I appreciate it! :-)