RECOVERED ARCHIVE: Predictions 2006

Hey! I am very excited today! I actually found something that I believed to be lost.

The day is December 14, 2006. RJ just made a big agreement with getting E/N Elite launched. As I was going through the admin panel, I accidentally delete WYLFWT.com's MySQL database! Wouldn't be so bad but I hadn't bothered to back it up yet! AHHH! NO!!!

So, within three days, I get the website pretty much restored. PRETTY MUCH. That is except for a few things. The first two KiP v2s and what I thought was THIS ARTICLE. However, as I am going through my email today, I found the next to final draft of "Predictions for 2006."

Basically, my predictions are really asinine and a favorite of my longtime readers. This, I am sure, is missing a few from the final article, but, at least this much was found today! :RJ45 dances::

So, enjoy the article we all thought was gone. I believe it was originally published November 23, 2006.

::starts singing:: WOO HOO! The predictions are back1 YAY! The predictions are back. Shout out everybody...because the predictions are BAAAAAAAAACK!!!....YEAH!

I have had News Predictions for the years 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and I missed in 2005 for a number of reasons (1. RJ-NET.BLOG was transitioning to WYLFWT.com...and I was busy as fuck)

However, 2006 is here! WOO HOO! So let us begin the news predictions!

January 1 - Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Party is a disaster when Ashlee Simpson's band plays the wrong song.

January 6 - Supreme Court Justice David Souter passes away

January 14 - George W. Bush elects, Law & Order actor and former Tennessee Senator, Fred Thompson to take David Souter's seat in the Supreme Court. When faced with criticism, he responds with: "Now, I got a job to do, and we are going to do that job. It is in my opinion that District Attorney Arthur Branch has done good job with the City of New York. I especially liked it when he had that hot piece of ass, Christina Rohm, doing his murder arraignments..."

February 3 - Michael Jackson & 15 random rock stars got together to fight Female Celebrity Hunger. They put together a new single titled "You Aren't the World, Now EAT YOUR DAMN MEAL YOU SELF-IMPORTANT BITCH!!!" All proceeds go to the "Feed our Female Celebrities Foundation," where they first plan on taking on Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan.

February 7 - In our yearly token Chicago Cubs headline, Chicago Cubs signs that damn fan who that caught that foul ball in the 2003 Playoffs, Steve Bartman, onto the team as their new "Bat boy." ...Thus signifying a new era in the team and ending the dreaded goat curse. THIS YEAR WILL BE THEIR YEAR!!!

February 17 - Tom Cruise announces his engagement with Rachel McAdams

March 3 - Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens passes away.

March 9 - George W Bush elects his brother, Jeb Bush to take Steven's seat in the Supreme Court. When faced with criticism, he responds with, "Now, by golly, I got a job to do, and we are going to do that job! Have you heard of a little historical figure? I believe his name is Andrew Johnson, could be Jackson...I don't know. Look it up in the dictionary. Anyway, he had this thing called the 'spoils system.' To the victor goes the spoil. If it wasn't for Jeb & his 'campaigning' in Florida, I wouldn't be President. So by golly, to the victor goes to the spoils..."

March 16 - American Idol judge scandal sweeps the nation when it is discovered that Simon Cowell is, in fact, a robot.

April 10 - We wish a Happy Sweet 16th Birthday to Mandy Moore!

April 14 - The entire United States panicked today. FDA announced a world-wide recall of all Scotch tape products due to it being linked to a few deaths.

April 15- The world is at peace. The Scotch Tape Recall & The Scotch Tape Murders case were solved when it was involved in inappopriate usage of scotch tape as opposed to its conventional use. There was apparently a misunderstanding between New York's Chief of Police and Head of FDA when the cell phone conversation had bad reception.

May 12 - Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia gets hit by a mysterious van, is declared dead at the emergency room.

May 18 - George W Bush elects, NRA Spokesman, Charlton Heston to take Scalia's seat in the Supreme Court. When faced with criticism, he responds with, "I got a job to do, and we are going to do that job! 4 score and 200 some odd years a go. Four of our fathers got together and wrote this Constitution. Then they added an amendment. I believe you heard of the right to bare arms? Now, I know what you are thinking. We should have the right to see naked chicks, and that is what I thought when I read this. However, I then looked it up and it turns out this was guns them folks were talking about. Now, I believe that we do have a right to shoot Mexicans at the border..."

May 24 - PRESS RELEASE! This year's Macy Parade will not feature balloons due to the 2 injuries last year. In its place, however, will be beyond star studded. Signed on is William Hung, Lorena Bobbit, Tiffany, Cyndi Lauper, Hammer, Ricky Martin, Milli Vanilli, Hanson, Queer Eye's Fab Five, Kelly Osbourne, Alf, and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

June 3 - Tom Cruise announces his engagement with Mary-Kate & Ashely Olson.

July 8 - Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer gets hit with the Bubonic Plague. He steps down from his position as a Supreme Court Justice when things take a turn for the worse.

July 11 - George W Bush elects Richard Dean Anderson, also known as MacGyver, to take Breyer's seat in the Supreme Court. However, the conditions is that Richard Dean Anderson had to legally change his name to "MacGyver," and take on the persona of TV's MacGyver. When confronted with criticism, "Well, you know what I say! I got a job to do, and we will do that job. In this case, this job sounds like a case for MACGYVER! Come on?! Who was not impressed with that one episode where he used the chocolate bars as "lactose and sucrose" to combat self-fury acid?"

July 19 - Queer Eye For the Straight Guy's own, Ted Allen, was surprised when, after delivering a speech at a random cooking convention in Alabama, the KKK held him at the stake. Thankfully, he when Carson, Jai, Thom, and Kyan chased them out of town with designer umbrellas. USA Today coined them as the Mighty Queer-Eye Power Rangers.

August 3 - Tom Cruise announces his engagement with Queen Latifah

August 16 - Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy is caught in scandal as he is accussed of receiving oral sex from under the bench from Paris Hilton! Kennedy steps down.

August 18 - George W Bush elects Adam West, also known in the 1960s as Batman, to take Kennedy seat in Supreme Court. You guessed it, he was confronted with criticism. He responded with, "Holy smokes, Batman! I got a job...blah blah blah! Why do you people question my every move? Here is a guy. Yup, here is a guy, who cares about the citizens of Quahog...even when Peter Griffin temporarily claimed his own nation. I remember that one episode where he protected Quagmire and handed him that banana peel. Now, if he protected the ladies man. I think he would be a great protector of the Constitution." Bush then thursted his hips and screamed "OOHHHH YEEAAAHHH!!!"

September 7 - Tom Cruise announces his engagement with Raquel Welch

September 16 - In a "Breaking of the Fourth Wall" moment, Bill Gates approaches RJ45 and asks why neither Microsoft or himself were featured in a running gag in this year's News Predictions.

October 3 - Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg gets struck with leprosy and passes away.

October 7 - George W Bush elects pop star Lindsay Lohan to take Ginsburg's seat in the Supreme Court. When confronted with criticism, George Bush stuck his hand out in the reporter's faces and said, "Talk to the hand."

October 24 - Happy Birthday WYLFWT.com owner, Richie Jackson! Richie celebrates his birthday by counting his blessings.

November 2 - In a last ditch effort to bring in the American voters...This year's election ballot will include the finals for American Idol...

November 3 - Continuing the News Predictions Tradition....Happy Birthday Dennis Miller! Dennis Miller celebrates his birthday by telling a joke that no one gets.

November 23 - The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade premeired William Hung, Lorena Bobbit, Tiffany, Cyndi Lauper, Hammer, Ricky Martin, Milli Vanilli, Hanson, Queer Eye's Fab Five, Kelly Osbourne, Alf, and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Unfortunately, it bombed as the crowd rioted within 15 minutes.

December 8 - Tom Cruise announces his engagement with Uma Therman, Nicole Richie, Barbra Streisand, Snoop Dogg, Kelly Clarkson, and the 'Where's The Beef?' Lady.

December 14 - Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas passes away via an unfortunate bakery accident.

December 29 - The man of the hour, George W Bush, elects Major League Baseball Legend, Tony LaRussa, to take Clarence Thomas's seat in the Supreme Court. When confronted with criticism, George W Bush sponteanously combusts.