For the Love of God, Don't See Disaster Movie!

I made a promise last April to my readers that when the next Scary/Superhero/Epic/Spartan Movie came, that I would write a sequel, and here I am.

To catch up, here is the last article:
Stop Date/Epic/Meet the Spartans/Superhero/Scary Movies... PLEASE!

Now, barely eight months later, the assholes who brought us Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans are now bringing us Disaster Movie. Aye caramba!

In the past with these shitball movies, they've debuted them on weekends without much competition (their biggest competition so far being Rambo). As a result, they have debuted at #1.

Well, this time, I would like to think that Disaster Movie actually has some healthy competition in two forms. One being a decently hyped Vin Diesel action movie, Babylon AD. The other being a satire in Hamlet 2. Also, there is a political thriller that might be interesting, Traitor.

There is also College: The Movie, but everyone I have talked to who has seen the previews agree with me that its just trying too hard to be a classic, and its probably going to fail. Sorry, Superbad is this generation's "coming of age" film not whatever potential shitfest you're going to put on.

Anyway, getting back on topic...

One big question I got in response to my first article was: "Why do you care that people waste their money on these movies?"

I want to say this. My life will go on if these movies keep debuting at #1. I will live, and I won't be crying about it for days afterwards. I'll be okay.

However, I'd like to see some more creativity done in "parody movies." In the age when Mel Brooks was making classic movies every few years, Monty Python put out cult hits, and films such as Airplane! also were classic... we had a lot of good ones. Now, a good parody movie is very few and far between. So, that is why I care. I'd like to see something good come out, and the only way we, the viewers, can ever communicate with Hollywood is with out pocket books. How many box office flops ever get sequels that go into theaters? Very few.

So, have assembled 3 categories of alternatives:

- Disaster Movie's Competition at the Box Office
- Movies to Rent Instead
- Other Things To Do Instead of Watching a Movie

So lets get to it!

Hamlet 2 (RJ45's Pick) - Here is a potentially good satire that, from what I can tell, goes out of its way to be blasphemous and offensive, without being completely stupid. Judging from the critic reviews, you are either going to love this or hate this. Let us face it, if the theme song to your movie is titled "Rock Me Sexy Jesus," it is at least worth checking into.

In this irreverent comedy, a failed actor-turned-worse-high-school-drama-teacher rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Babylon A.D. (Our potential sure bet winner) - Well, while this movie has been getting shitted on by the critics, it is probably going to win because of how cool the trailers looked and it has modern day action movie icon, Vin Diesel. From what I can understand from the reviews, if you go in to watch cool explosions, stunts, and CG, then I have a feeling you will have fun. However, its not Shakespeare, but its gotta be better than Disaster Movie.

Veteran-turned-mercenary Thoorop takes the high-risk job of escorting a woman from Russia to America. Little does he know that she is host to an organism that a cult wants to harvest in order to produce a genetically modified Messiah.

Traitor (Our long shot) - An idea from the mind of Steve Martin. It has been in development hell since 2002, though. It looks like it will be an interesting thriller. However, I just don't see it pulling out the win, but its going to be better than Disaster Movie.

When straight arrow FBI agent Roy Clayton (Pearce) heads up the investigation into a dangerous international conspiracy, all clues seem to lead back to former U.S. Special Operations officer, Samir Horn (Cheadle).

Hell, you can just say "Screw the theaters, I'll just watch a classic instead!"

Here are some movies, ranging from "good to excellent" in the parody/spoof genre.

• Airplane!
  
• Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
  
• Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
  
• Blazing Saddles
  
• Enchanted
  
• Hot Fuzz
  
• Love at First Bite

• Mars Attacks!
  
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  
• The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
  
• The Princess Bride
  
• Robin Hood: Men in Tights

• Robocop
  
• Shaun of the Dead
  
• Spaceballs
  
• Spinal Tap
  
• Young Frankenstein

Have Sex - Hey, its cheaper provided you have someone to do it with already, and even if its bad sex, its still gotta be a better experience than Disaster Movie. ;-)

Listen to Some New Music You Haven't Listened To Before - Check out that artist your friend was recommending. Check out that new album from your favorite artist. Heck, I highly recommend checking out Metallica's new single "The Day That Never Comes." It is their best song they have released since anything off of the Black album!

Go Visit a Friend You Haven't Seen in Awhile - Go visit your friend. If you don't have any friends, then obviously now is the time to either make a new one or work not being such a jerkoff.

Go See a Play - Enrich your life with something you may hardly ever do, see a play. They have free ones all over the place, just ask around.

Law & Order - Worst case scenario, one of the three Law & Order series is going to be on the air either on TNT, USA or Bravo. Its always entertaining!

Watch Paint Dry - Still a guaranteed better experience than Disaster Movie.

So, think hard everyone. Let us try our best to make sure that Disaster Movie doesn't debut at #1!

Or you will all think I am insane, either way works for me.

RJ45