Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 3

Several months ago, I decided to venture into the world of the weird, the wacky, the wild. I decided to venture into Paraphilias.In fact, check out the previous parts:

Part 1 
Part 2

Why in the hell would I subject to myself to such agony and torture? I took a sex survey provided by PervScan.com (the greatest weird news website EVER) and it asked me if I had ever asked my lover to incorporate a catheter into foreplay.

That just made me beside myself. Till this very day, I still ask myself, "a catheter?" It bothers me. It disturbs me. Why in the blue hell would someone want this during sex?

So, I proudly present to you...

Stupid Fetishes and Paraphilias, Part Three:
Return of the Philias

Spectrophilia is the sexual attraction to ghosts. A Spectrophile, or an Amityville Whore, if you will, basically jerks off to the thoughts of ghosts. They leave their windows open so hopefully a ghost just might be floating on by, and suddenly get in the mood to ravage them.

I made the mistake of clicking on a link in regards to an article on Spectrophilia. Yeah, that was a BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. My eyes popped when the article came to this roaring conclusion:

"For those seeking sexual union with a ghost, however, the only solution is to seek out haunted mansions and hope for the best, or try to coerce the ghost into experiencing the pleasures of the flesh again. There is hope, apparently. With some luck, death need not necessarily be 'the great abstinence.'"

So, this is what it has come down to...coercing ghost into experiencing pleasures of the flesh. Aside from how sick and absurd the whole thing is, why don't I take a look at this from a perspective that there really are ghosts and they are tempted by people. I have to say that, for all we know, ghost sex might be much better than alive sex. We don't know. We never will! The mere fact that you have me actually thinking through the concept of "ghost sex" is enough!

Coulrophilia is the paraphilia involving sexual attraction to clowns. I guess the upside on this bad boy as opposed to Spectrophilia is that it is a little more tangible. Still weird, but at least tangible. However, in this world, the majority of us "hates fucking clowns." They're scary. They're freaky. They're ugly. Most of them are unfunny. ...and Coulrophiles want to fuck them.

Perhaps they take the big shoes too seriously. Perhaps its a misinterpretation of the rosy cheeks. Perhaps its the Insane Clown Posse. Who knows?

One thing you have to think that in a Coulrophile Community where only Clown Coulrophiles date other Clown Coulrophiles, the same relationship and sexual things have to apply there. You have Clown BDSM. Clown swingers. Clowns adulterers ("You blew up balloon animals with Bozo?!"). Also, you have to think of society and psychology. Hey, perhaps Nice Clowns Finish Last. Bozo may never be able to catch a break but the bad clowns such as Violent J get the hot clowns? As you can very much see...the possibilities are freaking ENDLESS! Including...

Necrozoophilia is the sexual attraction to the corpses of animals. Wow...take two of the most bizarre fetishes, Necrophilia and Zoophilia...and you put them together. I wouldn't be surprised if a person practicing incest shouts, "Pmmff...fucking sickos."

Ladies and gentlemen, when road kill goes from sport to passion. When hunting really bring a whole new meaning to the term, "one with nature." When the world gets just what we all have been waiting for all these years, people jacking off on dead squirrels. I present to you...NECROZOOPHILIA!

Emysphilia is a rare sexual fetish in which the practitioner experiences sexual arousal from visual and tactile stimuli relating to turtles and tortoises.

From chickens pecking at your pecker to ants farming in the bush ...when it comes to people and animals, they can get pretty fucking sick...or, in this case, outright silly. Seriously, what the fuck is a turtle going to?!?! At least the chickens and ants do something! A turtle moves at the pace of a turtle!

There are some upsides, I think. For one, porn for the emysphile is cheap pretty damn cheap and readily available all over the place! For one, the emysphile can just turn on Animal Planet and let 'er rip! Get tired of seeing the same turtle eat the same damn leaf on TV? Your local video store is bound to have documentaries on the tortoise. Hell, my local video store chain, "Family Video," has educational videos rented out for free!

If games are your thing, the Super Mario Brothers series is full of hot turtle action. In fact...you can bounce on a turtle shell... back and forth, back and forth...and it goes FASTER AND FASTER! OH YEAH!

Then again, I also believe that I have stumbled upon the ultimate emysphile fantasy.

...and yes, guys. NOTHING is sacred.