Stupid Fetishes & Paraphilias, Part 2

Hello everyone, its RJ45 again! As you can see, I decided to throw my infamous socio-sexual commentary columns in one topic. Why the fuck not?

A couple of months ago, I decided to venture into the world of the weird, the wacky, the wild. I decided to venture into Paraphilias. Why in the hell would I subject to myself to said torture? Because I took a sex survey and it asked me if I had ever asked my lover to incorporate a catheter into foreplay.

That just made me beside myself. Till this moment, I still ask myself, "a catheter?" I cringe at the thought when my friend...my friend had to get one used at the doctor's office. Why the bloody hell would someone want this during sex. SEX...you know? The supposed greatest thing since sliced bread.

So, I proudly present to you...

Stupid Fetishes and Paraphilias, Part Two:
Because Apparently I Am Clinically INSANE To Actually Research This Stuff AGAIN

Harpaxophilia - is a type of sexual fetishism in which the subject is aroused from being the victim of a robbery or burglary. I don't know about you but I'd like the names and addresses of these people. I have to be honest with you, I can really use a new TV, preferably a plasma flat screen...maybe an iPod as well...

This is also a potential web dream for robbers. Think about it. Well, if not, perhaps I should provide a visual aid...

Have a consensual fuck with the chick with the ridiculously humongous tits and Get a Free iPod!

Oculolinctus is a paraphilia whereby people are aroused by licking their partner's eyeballs and or having their eyeballs licked.

I don't even want to put contacts in my eyes. Hell, I scream like a little girl when water gets in my eyes! I don't want some tongue penetration action going on there. OOOOWWWWWW!!!!

However, this does raise a question for me. Observe the following picture...

Do Oculotinphiles consider that their dildo? When things got heated, do they pull out the giant caterpillar with the big blue eye balls?

NOW WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM...

When I was researching the philias, I came across a few that I wouldn't exactly call them "phillias" or fetishes:

• Tripsophilia is the paraphilia involving sexual attraction to being massaged. (Also known as foreplay...).
• Phallophilia is the paraphilia involving sexual attraction to penises. (I believe this is called sexual orientation).

BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM...

Formicophilia is a subset of Zoophilia, is the specific practice of gaining sexual pleasure from ants and ant bites. Those who possess this condition have been known to enjoy ants crawling over their genitals and even entering their orifices until sexual arousal and climax is reached.

What the fuck?! ...ANTS?

You know where I remember being a huge source of ants? The sandbox. Hey, talk about bring a whole new meaning to "That Weirdo at the Park."

Speaking of parents being concerned about the people near their kids, this summer, The Ant Bully hits theaters. It is a movie in which gets shrunk to the size of an ant and lives amongst the ants. Parents, I am concerned as you are. We don't want to deprive the children of this potentially awesome movie. Otherwise folks, THEY WIN.

Don't let *them* ruin what could potentially be a memorable family outing.

So, here are some signs to look out for when you in that theater. If you find one of these signs, a Formicophile just might be in that very room. When you find them, you know what to do!

5 SIGNS A FORMICOPHILE IS WATCHING THE ANT BULLY WITH YOU IN THAT THEATER

1. There is that nice fresh smell that just might remind you of the park.
2. There are traces of sand in the aisle.
3. An actual ant crawls on you.
4. In the movie, if a character has a magnifying glass, and a voice from within theater then shouts "YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!"
5. Seats rock loudly when ants appear onscreen.

With these tools, you can keep your children safe. You can enjoy yet another animal CGI movie where one character is the hot shot that changes their lives, one character is a complete dipshit with a hidden talent simply there mostly for comic relief, one character is lost in their own little world, and another character is against the hot-shot because his entire life has changed...but then becomes best friends with hot-shot at the end of the movie anyway.

Have I seen any of these movies before? NAH...

Now, before I go, I am leaving you with an excerpt from a poem/song written by our favorite SpicyMan. It is called ANTZ!

ANTS!!!!
Bet you never thought you'd see the ants
Coming back from the dead
They're warrior spirit lives, destroying your plans
Better check yourself instead
AND DON'T WRITE THEM OFF!!!!

Cause they're ants
Don't ever say they can't

Falling from the sky
but they always wait inside
Living on the sins you take
And the counter-spills you make
better clean your forks and plates
For the ants are coming on the wings of justice
So you better believe........