The Real Energy Drink

In response to: Freaky Reviews from Energy Drink Fiends

See, when it comes to a pick-me-up, I'm one of those guys that goes for an energy drink. But not one of those extreme marketing, 8-to-16 ounce five-bucks-a-pop drinks that taste like cough and corn syrup. Nope, I'm talking about coffee; Mother Nature's energy drink.

Now before we get started, I want to clarify something. I'm not talking about any of this half-café grande super bad raspberry mocha John boat machine gun no foam throwing star half crème in a 2 ounce cup shit. Nope, I'm talking roasted beans in hot water. Coffee. You know, next-to-free, hot, in a mug? Yep, that's the coffee I'm talking about.

And while there are some that live off of their RED BULL MONSTER JAVA PUNCH TO THE NUTZ in AN 8 oz CAN!!!, I ain't one of them. And why, do you ask? Because they're not strong enough. Yep, not strong enough.

See, we "true" energy drink enthusiasts understand that the kick is what a drink is all about. And if all you're offering me is carbonated sugar water with a miniscule kick to it (for $5, no less), count me out. You see, I have the ultimate device for energy drink consumption. Yes, it is to caffeine what the infernal machine is to world destruction.

I'm talking about the French Press.

If you don't know what a French Press is, stop reading right now. I don't have time for your bullshit, you caffeine poser. Go away. But, for those of you who insist, it works like this: You take your ground up beans, throw them in a jar, put hot water in with them, and separate the two when the brewing is done with a mesh plunger. Works great.

I grind my own beans, because nobody else can do it right. That's right, even if you grind your own beans, you do it wrong. Congratulations, you suck at coffee. Unlike myself.

And when I brew my coffee in my infernal machine, I leave it to sit for AT LEAST 15 minutes, and that's if I just want a laugh out of my coffee. I like it to stand up on its own, and the French Press is the fastest, most efficient way to do it. So use a French Press or go home, asshole.

And while we're on the topic, let's talk about those "new" energy drinks, those mini shots that supposedly keep you running all day without the jitters and the "debilitating crash". Let me tell you right now, I plan my day around my jitters, and it ends when I get home at night with the most satisfying crash you could imagine. The best part is coming down hard when you get home after flying high all day, so why would I want to refrain from such a euphoric practice? I wouldn't, asshole. I wouldn't.

So next time you think you can come to bring it with your shitty energy drink pop culture against a true caffeine addict that has the his body chemistry down to an art as much as a fine science, I'll drink you under the table cup-for-cup. Because drinking coffee from a French Press is like learning to read: once you know how to read, you can't go back to not knowing. Short from an intravenous dose of caffeine, you can't do better than a French Press. At least those French assholes got something right.