MySpace People #12 - RJ vs. The Fake Profiles

Welcome everybody to the most popular MySpace Column on the internet named "MySpace People"...MySpace People! This one is called "RJ vs. The Fake Profiles." RJ45 is here for what surely will be some good times!

Last time on MySpace People, RJ45 was up to his usual shanigans when I created a fake profile just to see what kind of crazy messages I get. It was not meant to be a "spam" profile that is covered in this edition. That was meant to be a "real" person  Well, in this edition, I deal with the fake profiles that you are all used to. The ones that try to sell you something. Most try to sell singles websites. Some try to sell quiz-websites for some stupid reason. No matter what, they are annoying and they should die. Well, since I can't make them die, I figured, why not cover it in a column. You see, since they took the time to write me, I will take the time to write them!

Also, as a warning, this edition may not be exactly work safe, since I used some of the pictures that came with these profiles. You see, anyone who automatically sent me a message or requested a "friend add" seemed to have ignored this little paragraph I have added to my personal profile:

AS OF 05.26.2006 - IF YOU ARE A SPAMMER, PORN SITE, PERSON TRYING TO SELL MY SOMETHING, BY RANDOMLY ADDING ME OR MESSAGING ME, YOU AUTOMATICALLY AGREE TO LETTING ME USING YOU AND ANYTHING FOUND FROM YOUR PROFILE AS MATERIAL FOR A COLUMN ON MY WEBSITE...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Now, onto the game!

Fake Profile #1: I just moved lol!

From:	SAXACUTIE
Date:	01/11/2007
Subject:	hi babe
Body:	Hey there...nice myspace page.. anyways I was bored so thought Id say hi.. my M..S..N and A..I..M are on my page so chat me there..I'm trying to meet some new people (I just moved lol) . Im also new on myspace...not really use to how it works yet so if u write me back on here it may take a while for me to respond lol.. use M.S.N (my A.I.M is fucked up and freezes)... chat soon if you're interested xoxox S*a*r*a*h

Why on earth did she put an lol after "I just moved?"

What the fuck is so funny about that? I mean, does she expect someone to say, "She moved? OH THE HILARITY!"

Anyway, I think we have all seen every possible variation of this message. You know, since we are all supposed to believe that someone would message you with something that fucking stupid to say. Some people say, "Well, the pictures of her might be hot."

While that may be the case, you can find pictures of hot girls anywhere. In fact, just to save you the trouble...

Of course, I wrote her back. You know, I am always considerate of the little people...

From:	RJ45
Date:	01/12/2007
Subject:	Re: hi babe
Body:	Dear Sarah Do you like taking it up the butt?

Seems like a reasonable question to ask. Should be on every questionnaire!

Fake Profile #2: I'm Moving To Your Area

From:	Bridgette
Date:	12/29/2006
Subject:	Py58CdLUsPaFbtV
Body:	Hey Bridgette, you seem pretty cool, I am moving to your area in a few weeks and am looking for some friends. Let me know if you are interested! lgzPIPy58CdLUsPaFbtV

Aside from the cracked out subject, I have one advice for people trying to detect if this is fake or not...

SHE DOESN'T SAY THE NAME OF YOUR AREA. She could be like, "I'm moving over near Chicago." Nope, just my "area." Area is a rather relative term, as well. Is it my neighborhood area? Is it my school district area? Perhaps its my genital area? The vagueness is what sets this one off.

However, I responded with a message... 

From:	RJ45
Date:	01/12/2007
Subject:	Re: Py58CdLUsPaFbtV
Body:	Dear Bridgett- I have this wild fantasy about raping a dead squirrel. Hope to hear from ya soon! -RJ

Now this is a test... a test of true friendship. If you could get passed someone telling you something as odd as that, you are a true friend... or a complete sick fuck.

Jan 11, 2007 8:02 AM

Brandy wants to be your friend!

Hey guys and gals. My name is Brandy like the drink lol. And yes i will make you feel all warm inside just like the drink does lol. Okay enough of my corny jokes and more about me. I live in a duplex with my best friend. We basically are the same person in every way. Infact we date the same guy at the same time if you know what i mean ;). Anyway we have a hot tub in the back and thats basically where you will find us every night. Drinking and hanging out in the hot tub lol thats the life. Well as you can see i have blonde hair with blue eyes and lets just say more then average tits lol. Im a very sweet but sexual person and not afraid to try new things. I am open minded and love life so im a pretty fun person to be around. Anyway enough about me how about you tell me something about you. If you want to chat here is my info

You get it?! Her name is Brandy. You know, like the alcoholic beverage. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...somebody shoot me.

Unobvious signs that this person is fake aside from the obvious:

1. She doesn't even mention the name of her friend. If someone mentions their friend, they are going to mention their name.

2. She made a joke about her name. No one likes hearing the same fucking jokes about their name. I hate hearing Dick jokes. Someone named Kenny probably hates South Park. Anyone named James Kirk will probably never enlist themselves in the military. It is just not happening!

Well, since we heard all about pretty much every detail of her sex life, I figured it was time to ask some REAL questions...

From:	RJ45
Date:	01/15/2007
Subject:	Dear Brandy
Body:	What are your feelings on the death penalty?

Very legitimate question!

Fake Profile #4: Selling A Whole Lotta Crap

Jan 11, 2007 8:29 AM

First Love wants to be your friend!

I'm a little new to myspace because I am always at Worldsentiment.com. I like it better there because it is a more mature crowd. Anyway I put some questions from Worldsentiment on my page here because I search to know people from how they think and what they would do!

Wow, you name it, this profile is probably selling it. Everything from another social network (World Sentiment) to Real Estate Classes to a "Booty Crawler." Now only that, but what is the deal with her rope in the face? Couldn't anyone pick out a better picture?

I then sent her this message. For this one, I dipped into the archives of my life...

From:	RJ45
Date:	01/15/2007
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	I will be your friend, BUT FIRST...I have a riddle that you must solve! You have a Colby Cheese Block, a Killswitch Engage CD, and a Water Bottle. You are stuck in a white room with NO ELECTRONICS...there is oil all over the floor...the door is LOCKED, BOLTED, and CHAINED with boards & nails & crap on the outside of the door. HOW DO YOU GET OUT?! If you solve it...you get a golden ticket and my MySpace friendship.

Yes, this was riddle I came up with one night when I was drunk and posted in my private online journal. Believe it or not, Team Member Brother Benton actually solved the riddle...please keep in mind that I developed this riddle without the intention of actually having an answer.

 Fake Profile #5: I'm Moving To Your Area, Part Two

From:	April
Date:	12/7/2006
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	Hey April, you seem pretty cool. I am moving to your area in a few weeks and am looking for some friendd. Let me know if you are interested! n

Wowzers! I, April, also think you seem pretty cool! Oh, how I feel so special! Hey, spammers! You are using the wrong button when sending these messages out! Why?! WHY?! I have to ask you this!

From:	RJ45
Date:	1/15/2007
Subject:	RE: No Subject
Body:	Dear April: Why do you always hurt the people that you love? Sincerely, -RJ

So you are moving...but moving is only running away from your problems, April! You have to face them! You have to look the bull in the eye and say "Dammit! I can win!" YES! YOU CAN WIN! APRIL! You just have to try. So moving...moving will solve nothing. It will only make you more miserable. It will only make you hit the sauce more. You will look back years from now and wonder, "What if?"

Yeah...WHAT IF?!

...what if?... ... ...

Well, I really hoped you all loved this column. Some feedback is definitely going to be appreciated.

Thanks all!

RJ45