Real Tips on Being a Good Boyfriend

Because sometimes I'm proud of what an asshole I can be I thought I'd blog this exercise in chauvinism for the ages. This is a post that is frequented quite often on MySpace and you will find it on several blogs. It is tips on how to be a better boyfriend.

When she walks away from you mad
[ Follow her ]
[ Shout out "Okay, love, I'll see you back at our three story mansion. Make
sure you don't crash the Jag cause that's where I keep all our jewelry!" ]

When she stare's at your mouth
[ Kiss her ]
[ Inform her how rude staring is with a disapproving "Tuh!" noise ]

When she pushes you or hit's you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]
[ Laugh. Cause you know when company is no longer present, she is getting knocked the fuck out ]

When she start's cussing at you
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
[ Explain how uncultured she is. Then spit on her ]

When she's quiet
[ Ask her whats wrong ]
[ Thank God that she has stopped talking for a bit ]

When she ignore's you
[ Give her your attention ]
[ Call your mates, get some Wii or Halo 3 action going ]

When she pull's away
[ Pull her back ]
[ Read it as "sure you can sleep with that other girl and I won't get mad"]

When you see her at her worst
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]
[ Remind her that some girls need make up to get by and there's nothing wrong with that. She can't stay as hot as her mother, who is still very hot ]

When you see her start crying
[ Just hold her and dont say a word ]
[ Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, especially when she's being a whiny bitch ]

When you see her walking
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
[ Trip her up. It will be SO funny and everyone else will think so to ]

When she's scared
[ Protect her ]
[ Remind her that only pretty girls are involved in rapes ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder
[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
[ Ask her what exactly the fuck it is she thinks she's doing and that dinner ain't gonna make itself ]

When she steal's your favorite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
[ Kill her family pet ]

When she tease's you
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
[ Sleep with her sister. No one likes a tease]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]
[ Take it as "do what you want" if that means doing her best friend, then so be it ]

When she look's at you with doubt
[ Back yourself up ]
[ Ban her from your house. You have no time for doubters ]

When she say's that she like's you
[ she really does more than you could understand ]
[ Call her a fag ]

When she grab's at your hands
[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]
[ Grab hers back... but harder... like till she's crying hard. The more she cries the more of a man you are ]

When she bump's into you
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
[ Bump the bitch back. If she gets up that means she doesn't respect you ]

When she tell's you a secret
[ Keep it safe and untold ]
[ Use it against her during the break up]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ Don't look away until she does ]
[ Headbutt her cause that's how you roll where you come from ]

When she misses you
[ She's hurting inside ]
[ Be very circular in your reasons for avoiding her ie "I just need to find the ME I lost!" "I need a little head space now!" "I can't be this superman you've constructed!" and "I slept with your mother!" ]

When you break her heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]
[ Be really proud of yourself. Anyone can get dumped, but it takes a real man to destroy a girl emotionally. ]

When she says its over
[ she still wants you to be hers ]
[ Say "It is not over till I say it is over!" Girls like to be threatened]

When she repost this bulletin
[ She wants you to read it ]
[ Claim it was all a joke and if she loved you she would understand. Then sleep with anyone left close to her you haven't already. It is HER fault for not leaving you by now]

Part 2 - Tips

- Stay on the phone with her even if she is not saying anything.
(Cause wasting phone minutes which YOU have to pay for is SO romantic)

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
(It is the only way she'll ever shut up)

- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her
(Remember the two things woman do best is lie and play mind games. You can't win in an argument, but you can hit her)

- Because 10 years later she'll remember you
(So destroy any evidence of the abuse)

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
(Then ask for one large sandwich with everything on it.)

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
(Because it is sexy to be whipped)

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
(Then explain the XBox 360 costs a lot more than she did. If there's a fire, she's on her own)

- Tease her and let her tease you back.
(Cause then everyone will know she had it coming)

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
(Remember the pain when she's bitching and moaning about something pointless to put a smile on your face)

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
(It will make you feel a lot smarter than she is.)

- Give her the world.
(Then ask her to lend you some money so you can go out with your mates. It is not much to ask for in return is it?)

- Let her wear your clothes.
(then if she dumps you can honestly tell everyone she was a cross dresser. If you wish to take it a step further claiming she forced you into gender reversal in bed.)

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
(For like two seconds, then say "Oh fuck this, I'm going to hang out with people who are actually WORTH talking to.")

- Let her know she's important.
(You know she's not. She knows she's not. but what is love with out the lies upon lies?)

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
(That'll stop her bitching about not being in a taxi)

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"
("Fuck he's a big one isn't he? No you're on your own there love, don't call me anymore ok?")