MySpace People #11 - The Fake Profile

Hey everybody. We're back again with another edition of The Weird. The Perverted. The Stupid. The MySpace People! This one is going to be one I know that you are going to totally love. This one, hopefully, will go down in history.

For those of you whom still live in the internet cave, MySpace is a community site that you can sign up. You get seemingly unlimited space for pictures, and you work on setting up your own MySpace page. You have a wall that people write comments on. You add friends. The more friends you have, the cooler you are!

The other thing they are also known for is MySpace pervs, cyberstalkers, and weirdoes...which no doubt provides everyone with an endless resource of material...which is what MySpace People is all about! The Place for Freaks!

Around eight month's ago, EmmyLouAngel ran down some people who had sent her messages simply because she was both single and bi-sexual. Not just once, but twice! I, like many of you, were appalled at some of the people's presumptions. While I was hoping to possibly sometime see something from Emmy again, I know that she is a very busy lady with barely enough time to sit down and say "Wow..." Even one night, 5iN Studios model, Jenny, was lamenting on all of the annoying messages she received from guys wanting to "hook up." Reading this stuff had made me a little speechless.

So, that got me to a brainstorming. That got me to saying, "I have to see this shit for myself! What would happen if I created a fake MySpace Profile! "

I mean, there are so many obvious fake ones. So, I decided to take on the challenge of creating the ultimate fake profile. First thing, I had to secure pictures of an attractive female. So, I posted a bulletin on MySpace and immediately had an offer. It is a non-disclosure agreement, so I am not at liberty to discuss who she is. If you search through the 2500 WYLFWT.com MySpace friends, you might find her.

For security reasons, I have now deleted the profile. I also will not be providing links to the people featured in this column (Unless they are in "Revenge of the Weirdoes section, where there link had already been posted).  Yeah it sucks, but some of these people are honestly rather creepy. Many WYLFWT.com Team Members can vouch for me on this profile existing.

Then, I had to come up with some rules...

Rules To Create a Fake Hot MySpace Female That Will Desired by Everyone:

1. Must be Bi-Sexual

2. Must Like Green Day. .

3. Profile must not be too girly or too masculine. In other words...stay away from pink, purple, and dark blue.  Stick with whites, reds, and blacks.

4. Top Friends must have Bobbi Billard & The Suicide Girls.

5. Must mention that you just want somebody who will like you for who you are somewhere in that profile!

So that lead to the creation of this very profile...

This took me like all of two hours to completely assemble. I made careful decisions about every detail listed on that account. It was my goal to make sure there were no inconsistencies Although, as 5iN said, "horny teenage to 70 something males in yahoo chats can't tell the difference," I wanted this to be able to fool just about anyone. I named her Jessica, after one of my more sluttier ex-girlfriends.

Including one person who I can only regard as Mr. Skeptical. Yup, a team member of WYLFWT.com...MORTIS! Mortis hasn't fallen for anything I have ever tried. Hell, I had tried sneaking up on him at his workplace after he hadn't seen me in four months, in which he said "Hey RJ."

So, soon after the profile is created, I added Mortis as a friend, who soon sent this message:

From:	Via Dolorosa
Date:	Nov 29 2006 1:19 PM
Subject:	so..
Body:	...exactly who are you? not that i mind people adding me as a buddy. It looks like you know me from WYLFWT

WOO HOO! Of course, apparently the initials "WYLFWT" and 2 minutes was all he needed to realize that he had been had:

From:	Via Dolorosa
Date:	Nov 29 2006 1:22 PM
Subject:	rj
Body:	you bastard

Muwahahahaha!

That was most definitely my litmus test. So, the first thing I did was add EVERY PERSON ever featured on WYLFWT.com's MySpace People Column. I got some messages. So, without further ado, let us get on to the first section!

REVENGE OF THE WEIRDOES

For one reason or another, I (or Emmy) featured these weirdoes in our column. The first thing I did when I created this profile was to ADD EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!

Of course, half of the profiles got deleted either because they were profiled here or violated MySpace TOS. I'd like to think it was because they were profiled here. :-)

First up is a snotty cat known simply as Bob the Tomato. Here's my grievance: He ain't red. He ain't a fucking tomato! It is as simple as that. Not only that, but he tends to send you this rather uppity message:

From:	Bob the Tomato..
Date:	Nov 29 2006 11:44 AM
Subject:	Aaaaaaaaand...
Body:	...why do you want to be friends with a cat?

What the fuck is your problem Bob? You realize that there are so many cats that are victims of neglect? Hell, turn on Animal Planet for one night and it should pretty much open your fucking eyes. Instead, you have people all around the entire world who love you and want to be your friend. BUT NOOO! You have to be all like "Hey! My shit doesn't stink!"

The next guy was featured in MySpace People #8. He messaged my mother who had posted her recent Poser artwork. He told my mom she was hot. I never have a problem with that, but it was artwork! He, of course, doesn't have a picture. However, since his name is Ruben, he shall be represented by a Ruben sandwich...

We start with the first rather imaginative message:

From:	ruben
Date:	Nov 29 2006 4:41 PM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	you are hottttttttt

Moving on, we move to Message #2:

From:	ruben
Date:	Dec 2 2006 10:01
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	you are too damn yummy.. we ought to hook up

That's it! Seriously, who sends that message actually expecting some lady to reply with: "COME BACK HERE! COME BACK! Touch me where babies come from!"

"Jessica" finally had to reply. Sometimes, you just gotta..

From:	*Jessica*
Date:	Dec 3 2006 8:55 PM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	wow. how many times has that actually worked 4 u?

Ruben, just now being embarrassed for being rejected and totally burned for what is estimated as the 653,134th time in his life, sent this message:

From:	ruben
Date:	Dec 4 2006 3:11 PM
Subject:	RE: RE: No Subject
Body:	lol no not yet but your the only one i tried it with you are very cute

You know, you could have just not replied at all. Count your losses and go on Mr. Ruben Sandwich!

This guy is known as "Big Bra Guy" in EmmyLouAngel's Ridiculing Weirdoes edition. Let us see what Big Bra Guy has to say...

From:	B-rad
Date:	Nov 29 2006 4:21 PM
Subject:	hey
Body:	whats up , I know i just sent you a message.. this isnt to be weird or crepy .. haha i just donno if it wroked myspace gave me an error. Anyway .. I got a friend request from you and i just was gonna see how we knew eachother and see if you wanted to talk... If you got messangers we can talk that way if not then i guess just email me back.. Your pretty cute by  the way and sound like youd be fun to talk to.. so i wouldnt mind talking .. well later from BRad

Congratulations B-Rad. You just broke the spellchecker...AGAIN!

THE FOLLOWING WEIRDO HAS BEEN CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES

In the first ever edition of MySpace People, I wrote the following: "Ladies, I am going to give you a little lesson here. If the guy has to mention his Pickup truck in the subject of his own Personal Ad...$100 says that he's most likely a wife beater. That theory can be supported by such comments as "I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANYBODY THAT "CLICKS" WITH ME" and "LOOKING FOR A WOMAN "TAURUS AGRESSIVE""

He posted something in the classifieds, probably pissed off at the time about something. Well... It appears as if he has been pegged wrong. I can admit when I am wrong. Turned out to actually be an overall nice guy from the few messages that were sent. He sent Jessica a message, but then again, Jessica added him as a friend, so of course that's going to happen, so no fault there.

However, he turned to be okay. He talked about a bit how great California is, and even complimented Jessica on her hair. He even wished Jessica a happy and safe 21st birthday! So, WYLFWT.com and the MySpace People Column has found the defendant...NOT GUILTY of being a weirdo on MySpace. He still is guilty of not being able to spell worth a shit, but we all can't be perfect.

WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

This is my favorite part. Men who ask complete strangers out on a date! Hey, Jessica could be a serial killer or a complete psychotic stalker! Hell, she could be some fat ass guy who is having a good laugh. Yeah, what kind of sicko would do that?

From:	Brandon
Date:	Dec 17 2006 10:37 AM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	hey I dont know about you but I think your really hot and if your interester would you like to maybe see a movie or maybe hang out you said you drink on the weekend well I have a lot of a partys on the weekedns well hit me back and I see what we can do or leave a phone number so I can call

Wow, I gotta hand it to a guy who actually comes out and says that he is going to get a girl completely drunk on the weekend so he can fuck her. Kudos Brandon! Kudos!

From:	I have be..
Date:	Nov 29 2006 9:19 PM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	Hi there I thought you looked nice and might want to get together sometime. Take Care, Will

Hi there. I am very curious as to what your first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth drafts of what this message looked like before you sent out this one!

From:	Steve-O
Date:	Dec 2 2006 10:05 AM
Subject:	Goodmorning!
Body:	Hey, you seem pretty interesting, so I thought I'd say hi. I'm 42, from Madison, WI. I suck at that drunk driving game you have on your page. If you want to chat, let me know. I'm not looking for sex or to hook up. I'm just looking for new friends.

"I'm not looking for sex or to hook up. I'm just looking for new friends."

BULLSHIT!

From:	james
Date:	Dec 4 2006 6:01 PM
Subject:	hey
Body:	love the pics im kinda new to this lookin for friends close to home and possible girlfriend and id love to have you for either

Hi. You have a picture of your chest as your default online pictures, which immediately disqualifies you. It is okay to flaunt in perhaps a gallery, but with this, what you are saying is "Hey! I have nothing to offer other than my ripped physique."

MEN AREN'T THE ONLY GUILTY ONES

Heck, you thought the men were bad? You haven't seen anything yet! Believe it or not, the women are actually worse! These were my favorites...

From:	Bi_camaro..
Date:	Dec 16 2006 9:44 AM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	I'll be in peoria tonight call me XXX XXX 4253! I would love to meet up with you for acouple drinks and maybe some fun!!

Damn, I even got her phone number! Thankfully, I will show Bi_camro some mercy and will not post her number online. However, restroom stall walls may be a totally different story.

Our next message comes from someone who claims herself to be a hottie. Uh oh!

From:	hottie
Date:	Dec 10 2006 11:46 PM
Subject:	No Subject
Body:	i've been looking for a cool chick who is bi or lesbian who i can become friends with and maybe a little extra on the side. i have a boyfriend but i am in need of some girl on girl action. i would really like to get to know you and hang out. if your up for it let me know. hope to hear from you soon. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Who here thinks she needs to fine tune her approach just a bit?

I suggest this message:

"i've been looking for a cool chick who i can become friends with. i would really like to get to know you and hang out. if your up for it let me know. hope to hear from you soon."

Perhaps it is best to save the "I am looking for some lesbian action on the side" for the second or third message. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

Of course, here's my personal favorite...

From:	3 some
Date:	Dec 18 2006 9:09 AM
Subject:	hey whats up
Body:	are you intrested in getting your pussy licked

With such a straight forward message, I had to reply. I HAD TO. My suspicions were there, so I replied with something simple:

From:	*Jessica*
Date:	Dec 18 2006 4:27 PM
Subject:	RE: hey whats up
Body:	possbly

Let us see the reply:

From:	3 some
Date:	Dec 19 2006 11:22 AM
Subject:	RE: RE: hey whats up
Body:	how about by me and my husband at the same time?

YUP! I was right!

What is the deal with this crap? It is okay for couples to be freaky. Their sex life is their own damn business.

However, there are actual adult personal ads websites out there with people interested in this stuff. You don't have to subject innocent women on non-adult geared websites and ask "Do you want us to fuck ya? Oh, by the way, here's my bare ass.".

If this happened on the street, she would be arrested on the spot.

If you wonder why so many female's MySpace profiles have went "private," these are the reasons why.

THE PLAIN OLD CREEPY

Now we just get to the plain old creepy!

Okay, this guy wins creepiest guy in the world award.

First, at night, he messages Jessica with this...

Alright, even though no contact had ever been made, he immediately gets hostile.

At that point, I had went to sleep, and these two messages when I wake up...

HUH?

Wow! Well, A.D.A.M. never stopped there. He will occasionally message "Jessica" with something totally off the way that makes no sense, usually border lining on the offensive.

From:	troy
Date:	Dec 19 2006 3:21 PM
Subject:	WOW
Body:	DAMN GIRL YOU ARE SEXY AS HELL WOULD LOVE TO LICK EVERY INCH OF THAT SEXY BODY

I'm sorry. I got nothing.

...and finally...

From:	Terry
Date:	Dec 9 2006 6:01 AM
Subject:	Goodmorning!
Body:	If your interested hit me back i would love to meet you and take you out! Terry

Terry didn't stop there. Oh no...

He then messaged Jessica on her birthday wishing her a happy birthday and asked to take her out. Actually, it was four days before the birthday, which still is rather odd.. THEN, he later messaged "Jessica" asking for her phone number and to chat with him on Yahoo! THEN, he added "Jessica" in his "Top 24 Friends." Please keep in mind that I didn't reply to ANYTHING at any moment. Damn...

That's when I decided it was time to delete the profile.

SO! In conclusion...

• Every bi-curious couple automatically assumes that all bi-sexual females would like to have sex with them.
• People give out their contact information a little too easily.
• A lot of men really suck at "courting" females.
• A lot of men have no problems with meeting complete strangers if it means sex, even if it could mean their life.
• I have too much free time on my hands.
• Bob the Tomato is still an asshole.

Well, I really hoped you all loved this column. Some feedback is definitely going to be appreciated. Thanks to those who helped me out on this one! I know there is going to be no way to top this edition, so I am not even going to try to top it, but I will keep the column going for the sake of the laughs!

Thanks all!

RJ45