Classic Rants #1

We are back with Classic Fries! Every Saturday, we will pull something from The Museum and reprint it for those to enjoy! This gives those a chance who never got a chance to read it the first time a second chance, since the Museum itself is so large and its hard for anyone to decide where to begin.

Today we are beginning a series of "Classic Rants" featuring some highlights (and lowlights) from the original Would You Like Fries With That? column! Enjoy!

#349 Jan 25, 2000: The Possessed Broom!

You know what I’ve been thinking? I am wondering if a Broom just came alive...what on Earth would it do? Would it just sweep everything in site? Would it try to have a normal life like us human beings? Would it use the restroom? Would it have to wash it’s thingies at the end once it gets really dirty? I mean...what would a broom do it if was alive? Seriously...it’s a question I think we should all really ponder, cause this is really bothering me.

#438 April 11, 2001: Non-Stop Music

You know what’s an oxymoron in itself? When a radio station interrupts their “non-stop music” to announce they play “non-stop music”. Kind of defeats the whole purpose of their stand behind “non-stop music”, don’t you think?

#506 September 17, 2001: Ass Talk

Here is a situation most of us been in before. You are approaching a friend, you start talking to them, but they are bent over and their ass is sticking right up for the world to see? Sp you feel like you are talking to their ass. But what do you say? WHAT CAN YOU SAY?! NOTHING! That’s the problem, there is absolutely nothing you can say but to continue to talk to their ass! Unless it is a rather hot member of the opposite sex, YOU TRY TO LOOK AWAY, but it’s there in your field of vision NO MATTER WHAT. It’s a rather awkward moment that I still can’t make sense of.

#265 November 2, 1999 - The Underground Orgy

Okay, this is a sign of boredom at school. You walk around every day, and everyday you see this door. The thing about this door is that it has never opened once while your stay at school, and it probably never will. But the thing is...I get so bored I WANT TO JUST OPEN THE DARN DOOR AND FIND OUT! I don’t care if it turns out to be the janitor’s closet...I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT LEADS TO! Heck...it could lead to some big underground orgy that our school’s faculty is having, and we don’t know about it...YOU NEVER KNOW! I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO FIND THE UNDERGROUND ORGY! So I can report to the Dean...wait, the Dean probably already knows, and goes quite frequently. well...then who can I report it to? The students don’t care, heck, some REAL FREAKIN’ SICKOS MIGHT JOIN IT...then who can I tell? DARN’T! NOBODY IS ON MY SIDE IN THIS! THE UNDERGROUND ORGY WILL KEEP ON GOING AND GOING UNTIL SOMEBODY STANDS UP AND SAY “Kevin Seitzer played for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1994 darn’t!”. AAAHHHH! I THINK I’M GOING TO EXPLODE HERE!

#512 October 14, 2001: Time To Get a Watch!

While I am in the mood of dissecting stupid phrases...

You: What time is it?
Other idiot: Time for to get a watch!

All I have to say is...WOW! HOW ORIGINAL! I bet that took an awful lot of brain power to come up with THAT ONE. People, if you have the time, tell me, because I can only keep track of a watch for a few days, and they always make my wrists so itchy, SO I DON’T LIKE WATCHES! But I would like to know what time it is, so quit being a smart-ass and just tell me what the freaking time is!