So I went to The King and I play recently in Chicago at the Oriental Theater. It was fantastic. They had a merch booth and there was a recorder. I was like “No way in hell anyone is buying that.” Then…during intermission, it happened. A kid got a hold of a recorder.

A long time ago, some marketing genius thought, “What if we made a 5 dollar version of an instrument and gave it to kids to drive adults nuts with?” Thus, the economical version of the recorder was born.

 

The Recorder

This hideous instrument haunts me in my nightmares. One of the many reasons why I don’t believe in religion is because of this instrument. No God would allow this to exist.

As my cousin once said “Nothing like a little ‘Hot Cross Buns’ on the recorder to make mommy and daddy drink.”

Oh, speaking of Hot Cross Buns. Apparently there is actually a tutorial for this on YouTube. Not only that, but the video has over 200,000 views. You, just in case you needed another reason to bust out the bottle of Jack Daniels tonight…

The Recorder At Its Best

There is some good recorder stuff. I heard it during The King and I play. This is mostly from a skilled musician on an instrument that costs more than $100. They sell them on Amazon. If you want to be the life of the meditation pow wow, then by all means pick one up and learn how to play it.

The Youth of America

I am all for encouraging the youth to find themselves musically. Invest in lessons for instruments, singing lessons, or music theory of some kind from some source. I am sure there are plenty of great resources on the internet and ton of music video games these days that teach about rhythm. But this… this is just “Put your mouth on this and make a hideous sound.” Give the little brother or sister a crappy harmonica for you to later throw away because you can’t sanitize that shit anymore, and you got yourself a living nightmare.

I discussed this with some parents. I empathize with them. You don’t want to fight your kids over whether they get this awful awful “instrument.” Sometimes the battle isn’t worth it. I get that. Parenting is hard ass work.

Most of the parents I talk to look like they are about to snap at any moment and then ask me when I’m having kids. To you, I say this…

No Kids

My Extreme Solution

My solution that goes to way too big extremes is this… outlaw recorders for anyone under the age of 16. At 16, you get a permit for that shit, and at 18 you can responsibly learn the recorder. It will join the Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms industry for a new industry called the Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Recorders industry. Now, I might be joking about that. I might not.

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